Glen McNamee
Transformers NERD RAGE review
Posted on Aug 2, 2007 in Film

As a big Transformers fan, I’ve been awaiting the new Michael Bay movie with great Interest. I always suspected that the film would be a good action film, not a good Transformers story, but enjoyable nonetheless. Unfortunately I was so correct for the first two parts that it rendered the film not enjoyable for me, in fact I hated it. Here is my review of the film where I will point out just some many things wrong with this film.

The film starts with a decent action sequence. It’s worthy of not because unlike the other action sequence in the film it uses wide shots so you actually see what’s going on, and therefore we are rewarded by seeing Blackout causing a large amount of Destruction. The only problem with this is that the films shots its bolt far too early getting straight into the action, and showing the Transformers rather than building up to it. We are introduced to some twats from the US Army (Cliché – Good Bless America) who defeat Scorponok (who at the end of the scene is pretty much just sitting there while being attacked). This is scene is thrown in so Bay can do his patriotic shite. Speaking of which his some Transformers quotes I took from an American Forces Press Service website.

“That was without a doubt the best movie I have ever seen,” Army Staff Sgt. Mario Youngblood, dressed in his combat uniform, said as he emerged wide-eyed from the theatre.
“Obviously, the military has never fought giant robots, and hopefully we never will. But the way this film is structured, if we ever had to do it, this is probably how we would do it,” said Army Lt. Col Paul Sinor, a public affairs officer with that service’s Office of the Chief of Public Affairs.
“Go, Air Force!” an audience member yelled when an AC-130 began firing on enemies with its side-mounted artillery guns. “Yeah, Navy!” belts out a sailor upon seeing a team of destroyers cutting across the shining sea.

Here’s the link to prove I didn’t make this shit up.

The following scenes with Spike and Bumblebee I like because have the best attempts at characterisation during the whole film, and despite really wanting to hate Shia in the rile I really couldn’t.
The main problems with the film start here, it keeps introducing new human characters. Sector 7 (cliché – oh an evil secret government thing). The Sector 7 Bloke (cliché – the bloke in evil secret government thing who has gone mad with power), the code breaker bird, the hacker, etc.

Then comes a awful part of the film. Sam and the Bird (Cliché – She has a dark secret) meet the Autobots. Prime, is comes off ok (minus his lips), Cullen has changed the voice from a poor man’s John Wayne (which I was never a fan of) to the prefect voice for Prime. But the rest of the Autobots come across has dicks. They come of his aggressive rather than friendly, Ironhide ‘do you feel lucky punk’ (cliché – 30 year old pop culture references) is great example, Jazz calls them bitches (cliché – He’s a black man) and Bumblebee is a mime. Why not give Bumblebee his voice back at this point, the comedy with the radio has ran its course now. Oh, and Prime says ‘EBay’ this would have been funny had the not made dozens of eBay and eBay account relates jokes beforehand.

Just when you think it can’t get any worse, we have the ‘comedy’ scene when Sam tries to find the Glass while the Autobots ‘hide’ in the back garden. I wanted to hurt someone while watching this, the Autobots act like complete retards in this scene, they suddenly seem to not be able to understand English, and become very clumsy. The ‘My Bad’ line for Prime is unforgivable (however it’s still better than the same line in the Fantastic Four sequel). The scene then turns into something from America Pie and then Sector 7 turn up to mercifully end it.

Prime saves Sam and Tits McGee from Sector 7 using uncharacteristic aggression, allowing Tits to get her revenge of evil sector 7 (cliché – Removes clothes and hand cuffs to a lamp post – was its stag night?) and then seconds later Prime hides under a bridge (if only he could Transformer to disguise himself) while Bumblebee gets captured. The Autobot don’t interfere as they don’t want to attack the humans (that they attacked seconds earlier) or stop what little progress the plot is making.

Anyway, we go on to Hover dam to find that Megatron and the Allspark are there. Ah, the Allspark – The Allspark is an extremely stupid and lazy concept (taken from Beast Wars rather than Transformers, the writers of Beast Wars also had little understand of Transformers), it turn electric stuff into evil Transformers? What’s the point of that then, also if that is the case how do you make good Transformers (which the Autobots where playing to do to repopulate Cybertron)? We gets a demonstration the Allspark’s power on Nokia phone, and later on an Xbox (wow, its makes the boot up noise that should make the MS fan boys happy) and a Mountain Dew drinks machine. Seriously this automatic creation of Transformers is weak and frankly insulting concept.

The Autobots then have a scene together! However it’s goes something along these lines.

Ironhide: Why don’t we kill all the humans?
Prime: Because we are the good guys.

Did you get that audience? We’re three quarters through the film, and we are still trying to define who the good guys are.

Frenzy reports the location of Megatron (Oh, Did I miss out the bits with comedy Decepticion Frenzy in them? Good, stupid film) and Starscream calls in the other Deceptions. (Why was Brawl called Devastator in the film) by speaking Decepticoneese or something stupid, which is given subtitles in Decepticoneese (for the speakers in the cinema audience) and English. The Deceptions are treated worse in this film than the Autobots, and that is saying a great deal. Only three of them have lines (Megatron, Starscream and Barricade – I’m not counting what Bonecrusher says during his Transformer because I couldn’t understand it), worst of Megaton just comes over a brainless monster, you could replace his character for Godzilla and no one would notice.

Anyway Starscream turns up, frees Megatron and is richly rewarded by have a bit of dialogue along these lines.

Starscream: I have rescued you Megatron, you’ve been stuck on earth for ages and I’ve saved you but I still think you are great.
Megatron: Where is the Allspark?
Starscream: That thing? The humans are using to promote various brands.
Megatron: You’ve failed me again.

Yes, way to go Don Murphy, you’ve capture the Spirit of Megatron and Starscream exactly like you promised, you horrible cunt.

Now we are approaching the end of the film action sequence, so natural the army jerks decide the safest place to hide the Allspark in the nearest populated city. On the way there Prime grows a sword out of his hands and cuts off Bonecrusher with it head in a annoying shakily cut fight scene, the highlight of which is a stupidly slow motion shot of Prime punching Bonecrusher so hard, his eye fly’s out (cliché – Tom and Jerryesque fight)

Oh, I almost forgot to tell you there is a scene with all a characters I did not care about (Hacker, Sector 7, blah, blah) dealing with a ridiculous plot development (A Decepticion virus has disabled all no AM Radio communication) while fighting the stupid robot (Frenzy). In short the stupid robot shoots its self in the head (sadly this is completely true)

There is then a big fight in the city, and during the annoying quickly cut shots I think the following happens (although I can’t be sure). The deceptions turn up, Brawl (the tank) fires his cannon, and it does do much damage, Starscream blows Bumblebees legs off. Megatron turns up, rips Jazz in half for having stupid dialogue. The Army decides to give Sam the Allspark cube and call in helicopters to pick him (despite the Air being clearly under the control of the Deceptions) with Ironhide and Ratchett running alongside him.

Tits McGee (cliché – using her dark secret to her advantage) helps legless bumblebee to kill Brawl. The army kills Blackout (bah, humans could never defeat a Transformer). Starscream defeats Ironhide and Ratchett (but doesn’t kill them) and he also takes out two black hawk helicopters and a number of F-22 in a rather cool mid air battle – Starscream doesn’t do badly out of this movie in battle terms, despite looking like a Gorilla.

Anyways, Prime v Megatron, Starts with some weak dialogue mostly copied from the Cartoon but completely out of context. Megatron kicks Prime arse despite being hit be numerous missiles, so Sam kills him by pushing the Allspark cube into him, in a rather pathetic Anticlimax. To add insult to injury Prime calls Megatron brother, and then when is told of Jazz death says ‘aww poor jazz, oh well never mind’ while holding his dead body (cliché – Black character dies and no one cares).

Prime gives us a bit of narration at the end to say, oh well Cybertron is dead lets live on earth now, and invites some more transformers for the squeal.

Oh, All the deceptions are dead except Starscream (DreamWorks probably knew I would have murder them in their sleep if they had killed Starscream)

The End.

Fuck you.

One Comment

  1. […] my review of Micheal Bay’s first Transformers movie. I can’t imagine this film is going to be any different, since it’s still got the same […]

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